Art

I’m thinking of uploading some art of my character here but I’m thinking of maybe when I’m published? I dunno. I’m pretty tight lipped with my WIP already… I still gotta think on that

But other than that, I’m also thinking of opening up commissions. Money is tight and I want to try and save some money up to pay to pay some bills, know what I mean?

But I gotta make an official post with prices. Keep a look out for it!

Making changes

This has been on my mind for a while now and it have everything to do with my revising of my book.

When making changes to my book, there are certain sacrifices I have to take in order to make it better. Those sacrifices often lead to me adding more and more text to me “deleted scenes” doc and it honestly kills me. But if I don’t delete it, my story won’t make as much sense as it did pre revision.

Certain scenes I just outright delete but others I actually save and see if it could work in another chapter or the future sequels.

Still it hurts. My WIP is my baby but I’ll do anything for it to be as perfect as it can be.

LIVING ON MY OWN

Since my hospitalization, I’ve been seriously thinking of seeing if I can survive on my own. I’m back and forth on it because when you’ve lived with a helicopter parent all your life, you begin to wonder about your future and if you’ll ever be prepared for it. I’ve spent every waking moment, feeling an insufferable amount of envy towards my friends and that it freedom.

It’s not the act of doing what one wants but they get to live their life how they choose. They don’t have their life built for them and expected to follow that path forever. They get to make mistakes, live with it and overcome. I make mistakes but when I do I’m punished for it. And it’s not healthy for me mentally. It’s come to a point that I’m so fearful of making mistakes that I don’t do anything at all.

I can’t function like a normal adult should.

I don’t even know basic life skills aside from cooking, shopping, and taking transportation. Anything else is off the table because it’s always been done for me. Most would love to have things done for them but at some point it gets overbearing and annoying. No matter how many times I’ve tried saying I wanted my independence or tried to do things on my own, it was always taken away from me. And that’s where the anxiety comes from – being unable to advocate for myself. Now that I am, I’m stuttering and flubbing my words like a fool.

I’ve been so used to being treated like I’m still a young teen, that when I’m given things to do that an adult should, it comes as a surprise. And to be honest, it’s just sad. And it makes me feel so ashamed that I spiral into a sadness that lasts for days…

Which is why I want to try living on my own. I still have time to get whatever I have left of my life together and prove to myself that I can live on my own and I will be okay on my own. This is… a journey to self discovery. So… my journal time may be very sporadic. But I will try to make updates as much as I can.

See you in the next post.

WRITER’S ANXIETY

I have it bad. In fact, I get so worried no one will like my writing, that some of them I’ve deleted long ago (and later regretted it) or i just don’t share my work. I’ve been getting a lot of rejections as of late and it’s been playing into my anxiety.

Half the time I want to give up but I don’t because I keep telling myself I will one day find an agent who will champion my work. But what if I don’t? It worries me that I will never get to publish the one story that’s been with me since childhood… ever.

I just hope I get to publish it one day. But next post I’m going to briefly go over a new WIP I got from a dream. Stay tuned!

I’M NOT FOND OF REVISIONS.

You read the title right. Now, before you raise your pitchfork, come with me on my personal journey for a second. Meaning: hear me out before you convict me!

When it comes to revising, it’s the most tedious part of writing. But just because I’m not fond of it, doesn’t mean I’m not open to the idea. I mean, doing revisions for my own purpose is taxing.

This is when I’ll go into procrastination mode. It’s one of the reasons I took so long on writing my first novel. I’ll admit, I’m a lazy and creative genius. And I’ve been told that many times. I’ll put in all the effort I can…. when I can. When it came to my first draft, it was a little easy because I knew what to expand on. At that time I had a word goal of 100k to get to and I was no where near that.

By the write the second draft was written I was over 100k and now it was time for me to revise again but i took another year off. It was now 2016 and my story was still fresh but then I stopped. I’d picked up another standalone book with series potential (but that one is a secret for now because that needs A LOT of revising).

2017 was the year I did absolutely no writing. That year was to actually tackle retro games I never got to play as a kid / adolescent and it worked out pretty great. I completed Final Fantasy 8, replayed a game I grew up with and… still never beat it, haha. But as soon as 2018 crawled, I began reading again.

I never knew why I stopped reading but all I knew was that I pushed myself to read books and I finished a total of three books. Quite small, but it’s a good start. And that allowed me to revise my third draft earlier this year. And let me tell you that was my personal hell.

I was battling whether is should be in first or third person, past or present tense, whether I should keep all my characters alive. I did extensive research and kill your darlings is one of my favorites because I did that unintentionally. Some of the characters I had in my book I had to straight. up. delete. And that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But by May I had everything figured out. Hell, I even ripped out chunks of my writing and rewrote again. But this time I took away over 80k and left with dust!! I was frustrated with myself! I took one month off… June was my relaxation month.

Well, I thought I’d relax. It was more of a get them ideas when you’re not busy kinda month, you know? Anyway, nearing the end I took up my manuscript, brought my weapons to the battlefield and got cracking. There wasn’t a day I didn’t rest. I forgot to eat so many times! I didn’t go out to have fun, or talk to my friends while I was in that writing period. It was my NaNoWriMo month and nothing would mess that up. When the end of the month came crawling into July, I finally finished the 4th revision. And I’m going into my fifth because of a very wonderful beta reader I have.

It’s honestly easier when I have someone being an extra pair if eyes. I don’t feel like I’m in hell anymore. But when I was alone, staying up until 6 in the morning to revise my own work? That was my personal hell. Again, I really hate revisions but I’m not opposed to it. Especially when it comes to beta readers, literary agents or editors. They’re helping me help myself. Will I ever go back down that road again?

Definitely. Because I have more stories up my sleeve.

Laptop might be bricked?

I’m so scared right now. I simply restarted my computer as I normally do when it acts slow… but this time it’s in an endless restarting loop. I have no cash to shell out to fix it… I’m just so glad I backed up my manuscript on Google docs. 

I’m praying my laptop can be repaired without me shelling out any cash. I’ve done on tutorial that didn’t work. Here’s to trying another one in Hope’s this will work…